Pastor Christian's Blog

This last Sunday we saw the call to "follow Jesus".  Are you in Christ, but just standing still in Christ?  Or are you actively following him - obeying him, doing the thing you know you should be doing, taking NEW steps with him?

What is something you know He wants you to do?  Will you obey and follow Him in that?

If we are having significant struggles in our marriage, we need to look no farther than the insidious S - selfishness.  Are you being selfish?  You may answer, “My spouse is selfish.”  But before you look to him/her, look at yourself.  

The apostle Paul gives solutions to selfishness in marriage in Ephesians chapter 5.  He gives an alternative S for the husband and an alternative S for the wife, to move us toward healthy and meaningful marriages.

Husbands, our S is sacrifice.  And our model is our Lord and how He has engaged in relationship with us.  Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”

Wives, your S is submit.  If you love the Lord and can submit to Him, in a similar manner, you are to follow the leadership of your husband and respect him.  Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”   Ephesians 5:33b, “The wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”  

To hear more about having a healthy marriage, according to God’s design, click here and listen to the April 29th sermon.

I’m listening to the book The Meaning of Marriage, where I heard, “Our culture makes individual freedom, autonomy, and (individual) fulfillment the very highest values.  But thoughtful people know deep down that any love relationship at all means the loss of all three.”  The book quotes Duke University ethics professor, Stanley Hauerwas, as saying, “Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic, that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become whole and happy.”  Have you been conformed to these cultural views of your own marriage, which just feed our already natural bent toward selfishness?  Let’s recapture God’s view of marriage, and live it out by the power of His Spirit, to God’s glory, to significant meaning of our marriages and lives, and even, ironically, our likely personal satisfaction.  In addition to my recommendations to reflect on Ephesians 5:22-33, I would highly recommend Timothy Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage.

Are you suffering at all, because you are representing Christ?

As I read through the New Testament, it seems that Christians will be marked by suffering at some level, if we really are representing Christ (1 Peter 2:21-23, 1 Peter 3:13-17, 2 Timothy 1:6, Acts 5:41, 2 Thessalonians 1:4-5, Philippians 1:29, Romans 8:17, John 15:18-20, 16:1-4).  We, in the U.S., may not suffer at the level that the early church did, because our laws force a certain amount of tolerance and hinder violence.  But, we can still suffer rejection and ridicule.  We almost surely will suffer those ways, at some level, if we are living for and talking about Christ.

We should not take this kind of suffering as a sign that something is wrong in our lives.  Rather, it is a sign something is right with the way we are living.  1 Peter 3:14 says “you are blessed” if we suffer because we are living righteously for Christ.  This is a hard perspective to have – not just pointing at others, but for me - but it is a truth of the word of God.

I’m talking about suffering that is directly related to representing Christ, not suffering in our lives from general hardship, and especially not from our own sin (1 Peter 3:17, 4:15).  I’m talking about the suffering distain, mockery, or rejection that comes from living a different life, a life lived by what is right in God’s site, in a immoral culture, and from talking about Christ, in a culture where most will reject Him (1 Peter 3:15-16, 4:16).

As much as I care to share Christ, I think I look for friendly opportunities, not ones where I think I might be rejected or mocked.  I think if I were taking every opportunity the Lord wanted me to, I would probably be suffering more.  I want to take every God-lead opportunity, even if it brings suffering.

Like I said, this is a hard perspective to have.  It’s even harder to live.  Would you at least start with reading through the verses listed above, and praying that God would help you respond the way He desires?

I said in my sermon today, “A reason we put salt on (even good) food is to enhance its good flavor.  The gospel is good.  But the way that we present it, can enhance its ‘flavor’ to people.”  This is a disclaimer to that statement. 

We shouldn’t try to make life in Christ seem like something it is not. We don’t want a restaurant to serve us dog food seasoned to taste like ground beef.  Instead we want a little salt to enhance a good steak.  The gospel is not dog food that we need to fix up.  It is a good steak. 

For example, we shouldn’t try to enhance the gospel, as many people do, by making it sound like becoming a Christian fixes all your problems and makes the world fantastic.  That’s not true.  So we shouldn’t say things like that to try to make the gospel taste good to people.  Rather, if we are truly drawing close to Christ, and trying to live for him, there are real benefits, even amongst difficulties.  So in talking about our lives, we shouldn’t pretend not to have struggles; rather, we admit our struggles, which they often can relate to, but then we tell them how Christ helps us, like by giving us good direction in the Bible, or by helping us live different by the power of the Spirit, or how the family of God in the church encourages us.  But those things should be true for us, not made up. 

We are not to be fake.  We have to be real.  That’s why how we live is so important.  If we aren’t living the gospel, it’s hard to authentically represent it in our speech.

So, when I say we enhance the gospel by our speech and behavior, I mean, the way we present the gospel needs to spring out the goodness of the gospel.  It is a gracious message.  We need to reflect that with gracious speech.  Be kind.  Be respectful.  Listen.  Care about the person you are sharing with.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the sermon on Ephesians 4:17-32.  There were so many verses to cover and I only spent a few minutes on each of the five changes of behavior in verses 25 to 32.  There are some very significant things addressed there that need to change in us.  I would hate for us to skip the opportunity of significant reflection.  So, I’m writing this to encourage some more reflection, even in myself, prayer, and hopefully continued awareness and work with the Holy Spirit on change.

²⁵ Therefore, taking off falsehood, each one of you must speak truth with his neighbor, because we are members of one another.

Are you consistently a truth speaker? 

Falsehood is not just bold-face lying, it’s the things we might consider little white lies.  It’s little deceptions.  I said in my sermon that if we are going to develop trust in relationships, it requires speaking truth.  That doesn’t necessarily always mean telling everyone every piece of information.  But, maybe as a means of helping assess ourselves, we should ask, “If this person knew what is entirely behind what I’m saying or not saying, would it cause them to distrust me?”  For example, there are things I don’t tell my wife about things that go on with people at church.  But me not sharing that stuff with her doesn’t foster distrust; quite the contrary, it actually causes her to trust me more because she knows that I know what things to keep to myself.  But on the other hand, for example, if I tell someone something about myself or one of my kids, to make myself look better, and what I said isn’t really accurate, or I tell an embellished story, if that person knew it, they probably wouldn’t trust me as much.

²⁶ You must be angered, but you must not sin; the sun must not set on your angry mood, ²⁷ and you must not give the devil an opportunity.

When someone sins, generally or against you, do you go to them and address it (Matthew 18:15*)? 

Do you deal with your attitude toward them, with God, by praying? 

This is no small issue.  The devil is apparently looking for an opportunity, probably to do things like cause division, spite, hatred, etc., if we don’t deal with these things properly.

* Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.

²⁸ One who is stealing must no longer steal; but rather, must work hard, working at what is good, with his/her own hands, so that he/she may have something to share with the one who does lack what is needed.

If you are working hard, after your basic needs** have been met, do you give something or save something to give later to others who don’t have their basic needs met?

**Basic needs are sustenance, covering, shelter, supporting the church (yes, us giving to the church, in large part is meeting our needs - of spiritual food, shelter, and covering)(and it would probably go first on God’s list of what to do with income, showing trust in Him for provision, and thanks to Him for providing),

1 Timothy 6:8, “If we have food and covering, with these we shall be satisfied.”

1 Corinthians 16:1-2
“Now concerning the collection for the saints, as I directed the churches of Galatia, so do you also.  On the first day of every week each one of you is to put aside and save, as he may prosper, so that no collections be made when I come.”

Deuteronomy 8:17-18, “Otherwise, you may say in your heart, ‘My power and the strength of my hand made me this wealth.’  But you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day.”

²⁹ Any and every word that is rotten must not come out of your mouth; but rather, only what (word) is good for building up, for the need, so that it gives grace to those who hear. ³⁰ And you must not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Are the words you speak to others like good gifts (grace), or is it like giving them a piece of rotten fruit as a gift?

Do the words you speak to others build them up, or tear them down?

This is very serious, especially how we speak to our brothers and sisters in Christ, because God himself, in the person of the Holy Spirit lives inside that person.  It makes God sad when we speak to one another in rotten or mean ways.  But even just the useless things that we often say, should be held back.  Our words are very powerful (seemingly patterned after the power of God’s words, being that we are made in His image); they can either be powerful for building up, or powerful for tearing down.

³¹ All bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and shouting, and slander, must be taken away from you, along with all hateful feelings.  ³² But instead you must become kind to one another, good hearted, giving grace one to another, just as God in Christ has given grace to you.

Do you see any of these things in verse 31 in you on a regular basis?

I say regular basis, but the apostle Paul’s emphatic “any” sound like we should be working toward these things never happening.  So, I know I have work to do.  I get angry when my feelings are hurt or I feel disrespected (even though that person may be wrong, it doesn’t justify my wrong reaction).  I still shout periodically; I might say, “It’s not that often,” but that’s more than the desired never.  These things can stop, by the power of the Holy Spirit.  And the new can start by His power – kind, good hearted, giving grace. 

What amazing family lives we would have, with our spouses and kids, as well as our church family, and what an amazing witness for Christ we would be to outsiders if these things began to and continued to change in us.  I’m praying for it in me, and among us.

Reflecting on things I learned in Genesis, and elsewhere in the Bible, I had this thought today.  This isn’t the exclusive way God works.  He has the prerogative to work however He wills, and we can’t hold Him to a pattern.  But, when God wants to get a hold of a person who is not doing what He wants, not going the direction He wants, he often uses one of two things – underserved love, or deserved punishment (see 1st diagram).  God often employs people to be the ones through whom the favor or pain come.  If you see either of these things in your life, pay attention.  If God is working to change you, it’s obviously best to respond to Him, turn toward Him, change.

You may be the person, or one of the persons, God is using (could use) to bring another person to change.  If you are doing wrong in God’s sight, bad actions, even though God may use it to bring another person where God want them, God often will likely punish you (see 2nd diagram).  If you are doing right in God’s sight, good actions, God will likely reward you, show you favor. 

We sometimes see someone who is doing wrong, and so we take it upon ourselves to decide to make them suffer.  It is up to God to decide to punish someone.  If He decides to use you, then he will guide you to that.  That is where the diagram breaks down, because sometimes God uses the righteous justice of people to punish other people, like government or the church are sometimes used for the punishment of the criminal or the unrepentant sinner.  But, if we take it upon ourselves to make someone suffer, by our own bad actions, then we are putting ourselves in position to be punished ourselves.  Do you want to be punished by God, even if you are trying to get someone else right?  No.  It may not seem like the right thing to do to be loving to a person who is doing wrong, who needs to change.  But, in God’s economy, sometimes that is how God will use you to change that person.  For example, 1 Peter 3:1-2 reads, “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.”

There is such a Biblical focus on our hearts (that was a main theme of Jesus) and our minds (that was the focus of the book of Philippians).  I don’t know why I didn’t get this idea when we studied Philippians 4 a few months ago, or for that matter earlier in my Christian life.  But, reflecting on this last week’s sermon I decided to add a new daily reflection to my prayer journal: “God, how is the condition of my heart?  How are my thoughts?” 

Before things express themselves in action they start in the heart and mind.  Before we hurt somebody we get mad at them or hate them.  Before we commit sexual immorality we lust, or sometimes even anxiety leads to this as a stress relief (temporary as it is).  Before we fall away from following the Lord in actions often our love has been growing cold for the Lord for some time.  Before we stop coming to church we have been developing strife and unforgiveness toward brothers in Christ.  Before we lie to a friend, or quit serving, or leave our spouse, we have become selfish in our heart and mind much prior.  Before we have a nervous breakdown we have long before lost our joy in the Lord.  (see Matthew 5:21-48, Philippians chapters 2 and 4)

Romans 12:1-4 (NASB95)
1 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.
2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
3 For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.

Philippians 4:6-9 (NASB95)
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Matthew 22:36-37 (NASB95)
36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”
37 And He said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.”

I try to have a short quiet time with my boys several days a week.  We read a short Bible story, I ask them some questions, each of us prays for a couple things, and we usually do some fun activity to support what we learned.  This morning my boys really frustrated and saddened me.  First they didn’t want to do it.  Then once they agreed they kept interrupting me reading.  So of course, when I got to asking them questions they couldn’t answer them.  They struggled to pray.  Then they wanted me to pray but kept interrupting my prayer, which was only like 20 seconds long.  I told them I was very saddened by their behavior.  They wanted to do the activity that we usually do as part of our time, but I said no, that is a privilege that they didn’t earn, and anyway it’s based on the Bible story, which they didn’t really learn.  I don’t know if I was right in doing that, but later it did make me think of something I’ve experienced.

When I don’t have my quiet time, I often have bad days.  If things don’t actually go worse in my day, at very least my attitude toward my day is often worse.  I’ve experienced this over time, as most days I have quiet time, and then an occasional day I don’t.  At the end of those days, as I’m wondering, why was today so lousy, I realize, almost every time, I didn’t spend my time with the God that morning.  I find an analogy in what happened with my boys this morning.  They missed out on what could have been, a privilege, in doing our fun activity, because they didn’t do quiet time.  I think we often miss out on what could have been during a day, because we don’t start the day by connecting with God.  If a person has never had a habit of spending time with God on a regular basis to experience how things can be different, then they may not know how different things can be.

I also mentioned that I was saddened by my boys behavior, partially because they didn’t want to spend time with God, but I think in large part because they wouldn’t even do it at my encouragement.  I wonder if God feels similar to the way I did, when we don’t see the value in quiet time with Him.  Someone may say, “They’re just kids.  They don’t understand it.”  I agree, which just furthers the analogy.  I think when we don’t value quiet time with God it points to the fact that we are immature, kid Christians. 

Now, this is not a commentary on discipline.  It’s about valuing quiet time.  Like, I value it highly and never want to miss it, but some days I don’t discipline myself to do it.  Maybe it’s from not getting up early enough to have quiet time.  That’s a discipline issue.  Although, it may be a value issue - valuing sleep over time with God.  Yes I need sleep, but I need time with God more.  Maybe it’s letting life, stuff I have to do, crowd out time with God.  That’s a discipline issue.  Although, again, it may be a value issue - valuing everything else in life over time with God.  Yes I have things I need to get done, but I need time with God more.  If I don’t have a strong relationship with Him, what else matters?  If I’m not connected to Him and empowered by Him, am I all that I could be in all my other tasks – work, parent, spouse, servant, etc.?  My experience is that I’m not.

Because of my value on quiet time I started some new disciplines this morning to try to ensure a more consistent, less rushed, quiet time for me.  I challenge you to make some consistent time for some Bible reading and reflection, and also some focused prayer, done in an environment of quiet and focus.  This was Jesus’ habit (Mark 1:35, Matt. 14:23, Luke 5:15-16).  Let’s follow our Lord and savior.

Philippians 3:20 reads, "For our citizenship is in heaven from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ."  The main idea, in light of the whole passage, is living as citizens of heaven NOW, as we are waiting for the day we'll actually be saved to heaven.  I did preach that idea, as well as talking about Jesus as Savior and Lord.   But I realized today I didn't give much attention to one idea that is throughout the New Testament, and is hinted at in this idea that "we eagerly wait for".  That biblical idea is that Jesus could come at any moment, and therefore we should be living for Him in EVERY moment.  How will we be found the day He comes?  Will he find us walking by His Spirit or walking in our flesh, will he find us worshiping Him with our lives of obedience, sharing our faith with others, will he find us being generous or being consumers, will He find us serving Him, will He find us abiding in Him, having read His word this day, talking to Him this day?  How would He find you this day?  It's a worthy question to ask ourselves every day, morning and night. 

This week I’ve been studying Philippians 2:1-4.  In verse one Paul prepared the Philippians for the radical perspective he was going to encourage to believe and live, contained in verses two through four.  Several scholars understand at least the first half of verse one as Paul using the strength of his relationship with the Philippians to prepare them for his exhortation.  If that is the case, we have an example in Paul of how to approach our Christian brothers and sisters with hard truths, how to approach our brothers and sisters with exhortation to live different.

First of all, there is a plethora of evidence in the Bible that we are to say hard things to our brothers and sisters in Christ.  We have a responsibility to do that.  We are to tell them when we see sin in there life, behavior or character (Matthew 18:15).  We are to stimulate (the Greek word implies that some of what we say will be hard for them to hear) one another toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).  We are to speak the truth in love so that we help each other grow up in all aspects as a Christ-follower (Ephesians 4:15).

Now, here is what we may learn from Paul’s example.  The two words in Philippians 2:1, NASB translates as “encouragement” and “consolation” give similar word-pictures.  They envision a person coming alongside someone else, like putting their arm around a friend to have a talk with them.  The reason for doing this is to make an appeal to them to think and/or act differently.  But, it’s not with a judgmental attitude.  It is out of love.  

·         We don’t stay back when we see an issue a brother in Christ needs to grow in.  We come alongside.

·         We don’t lob attacks at them from a distance.  We put our arm around them.

·         We don’t launch right into criticism.  We let them know our care and concern for them.

·         We don’t hold back from speaking the truth, even if the truth is hard.  Telling them is the loving thing.

By Angie Sanich

Have you ever been driving along and looked over at the car next to you and witnessed a couple riding together, the man both hands on the wheel at 10 & 2, looking straight forward, not seeing a word mouthed from his lips and the woman sitting next to him just going to town on whatever she is talking about and it appears that she could just be nagging, nagging, nagging, maybe not…but that is what I think about when I see those scenarios.  I vowed to myself that I never wanted to be “that wife, the nag”.  How sad it is for those men to just have to listen or at least pretend to be listening to a wife just going on and on about complaints, how bad her day had been, what he didn’t get done for her, or how they just can’t afford anything.  Do we as wives think that does anything to strengthen or grow our marriages?  Well, you may not be a “nag” but there may be ways in how you communicate with your husband that show disrespect to him. 

Christian and I have been married 11 years and a few years ago we attended a Love & Respect conference here in the valley.  This was a big turning point in our marriage when I learned about respect and I worked on changing my behavior. 

What does it mean to Love and Respect?  Dr. Emerson Eggerich, author of Love and Respect says, “We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.”  I asked myself, do I respect Christian and I naturally answered yes, but according to him I didn’t.  Well, he was right.  It isn’t to just think well or highly of someone, but for us it meant that Christian would feel respected by me when I acknowledged his ideas and input.  I didn’t always have to agree, but I showed respect by acknowledging his suggestions. I am not sure why I used to do this, but I acted like I had to go to battle with him for my ideas to be heard. I have learned that when I calmly share my thoughts, this shows respect and gets me a lot farther, because he wanted to hear my thoughts. I don’t overreact like I used to, I take a deep breath before I respond and then say what I feel if it still seems relevant and not just my emotions coming out.  We have really enjoyed the last few years of growing in this area of communication in our marriage.

As I drive down the road these days, it isn’t always Christian that is hearing my words but my two little boys that are learning how to love and respect one another as I hope to model and not be that nagging mother or wife.

I've thought about this for a long time, but I've had a few conversations in the last couple weeks that finally brought me to write out my thoughts.

For many people these days the number one criteria for choosing a church is, “Do I like the music?” The secondary criteria seems to be, “Are the people here like me?” Many are drawn to a church by the super leader/preacher. I think these are terrible criteria for choosing a church. Not only are they mostly unbiblical, they completely miss the point of church, and contribute to (as well as reflect) the consumer nature of the American Christian. First lets consider why these are inadequate criteria. Then I will suggest some better criteria.

Music and singing are legitimate means of praising the Lord, and specifically doing it together as a church (Eph. 5:19). But, that praise is to primarily be about pleasing the Lord, not focused on our likes (although we can enjoy it, and the Lord probably enjoys us enjoying praising Him). Now, if what you are judging is how genuine a congregation seems in their adoration of the Lord, as you observe it through their singing, that can be a legitimate factor in choosing a church, after some more important criteria are considered.

Looking for a homogeneous group of believers, like you, is just not consistent with New Testament Christianity. God is the God of all the nations. He is the God who broke down the dividing wall between Jews and Gentiles through Jesus (Eph. 2:14). I think we would honor God more by being able to gather in diversity. Clearly races should be able to mix together in a church, but we let style and familiarity separate us. Ages should mix in the church. For example, people who are involved only in a singles group. How are they going to have models of strong Christian marriage? How are young women going to get the mentoring they are supposed to get from older women (Titus 2:4-5)?

Attending a church primarily for its charismatic leader or gifted teacher shortchanges what the church is intended to be. Each believer is supposed to contribute their gifts to the work of the ministry. When one believer is the exalted centerpiece it can convey a wrong view of the church. Although we have some NT examples of acts of a charismatic few attracting people to Christian fellowship (namely the apostles in Acts), it seems to fall short of the ideal for regular church. I was thinking the other day, “What would it be like for people to be drawn to a church because of the sum of all the believers there, and the impact they were having?” 

Start looking close to where you live. In the early church they gathered daily, and their close proximity was part of making this possible. If you are going to be integrally involved in the church, the way the Lord desires, it is ideal to not have your driving distance be a discouraging factor. Now, each person has their idea of what close means, and what they would consider a far drive. As you visit the churches close to you, I would suggest using the following criteria.

Look for a church that is committed to teaching the Bible, and teaching it expositionally.  Many pastors are pedaling their personal wisdom, stories, and insights as the main point of interest in their teaching. Those things should be used in preaching, but to only illustrate the teachings of the Bible, not as the main content. God’s clearest revelation of Himself to us is in His son Jesus Christ. Jesus’ words and actions are recorded in the Bible. The Bible is God’s clear communication to us. So, we should be getting the information God wants us to know from the Bible. The apostles teachings are found in the Bible, which is what the early Christians were committed to studying when they gathered together (Acts 2:42). Expositional teaching means that the teacher attempts to expose the author’s meaning in the text, and ultimately God’s meaning, as opposed to what does it mean to me. Related to biblical teaching, look for a doctrinally sound church (1 Tim. 4:6, 6:3-4, 2 Tim. 4:3). If you don’t know enough about orthodox doctrine (beliefs held as biblically sound through history), get help from someone who does. Once you find a church or churches that meet this criteria, you can consider the next.

Is this a community God would want me to be a part of? Hebrews 10:24-25 talks about habitually meeting together with other believers, and teaches that the purpose is to spur one another to love and good deeds. Ask yourself, “Do the people of this church seem like loving people that are going to help me be more loving?” “Does this seem like a place that is going to encourage me in good works and serving?” “Does God seem to be calling me here?” This criteria is much more subjective. It requires prayer and listening for God’s inaudible speaking to the ears of our heart. It may also involve getting counsel from other believers. Is there specific ministry there that the Lord may be calling you to participate in? Do you feel a connection with the people (even if they are not like you)? 

After you have considered these criteria, if there is still more than one church that you feel is possible, then you could decide between them based on preferences like worship style or maybe some amenities/classes/programs offered that you like. 

I hope this information is helpful in choosing a church the next time you need to do that, and that the Lord will be honored in your choice.

I heard a couple on the radio today, who are marriage researchers and Christian teachers on marriage, who I respect and have gained lots of insight from over the years.  They said time spent together may be one of the most important factors in a healthy marriage.  This has not been one of the top influencing factors on divorce, showing up in the research over the years.  Finances, sex, and communication are always the top three factors in marital conflict and divorce.  But, the old research possibly wasn’t asking the right questions to bring out this aspect of time spent together.  There is some new research out that suggest time spent together may be the most significant factor.  That being the case, they talked about how busy the lives are that we live and therefore how we have to constantly, consciously, fight for time with our spouse.  You can listen to the program here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?LatestDaily=1&Tab=Shows&subcategory=SuperbowlExtras.  The name of the program is Staying Connected in Life's Busyness, from April 6.

I didn’t get to listen to the whole program, but I was thinking about it, and realized how affected those other three things are by time spent together. 

If we don’t spend enough time together, we can’t communicate well (just like if we don’t spend time with God, we can’t communicate with Him, and that affects our relationship). 

If we aren’t spending significant time together, we won’t have the kind of connection that is going to lend itself to intimacy and a strong sex life.  We shouldn’t just think because we’re married sex is an automatic.  Anybody married for some time should know better.  God has programmed us so that sex, especially for women, requires relationship investment.  I think God may have given us sex, as a drive and a joy, to help push us toward relationship – it’s an obvious payoff that makes it worth our investment. 

It may be a little harder to see the connection between time spent together and financial harmony, but I think the connection is there.  If you aren’t spending enough time together, your values will start to differ.  We spend money on what we value.  So if our values part ways, the way we think money should be spent will begin to part ways, and we will start having conflict over it.  If we’re placing too high of an importance on money, we may spend more time working, and that will affect the time available for each other.  By spending time together, we may spend more money on some categories, like entertainment and eating out.  But, one, that’s not necessary; we can hang out, talk, and even have fun, without going out and spending money.  And, two, even if we do spend money on being together, it’s more worth it than a lot of things we spend money on, and will probably be mutually agreeable to both spouses.  Also, we may spend less money on some other categories.  I know when I seek entertainment and diversion apart from my family, I tend to spend more money than I do when I’m with my family (It’s more expensive to play golf than to go swimming with my wife and kids.  It’s more expensive to go clothes shopping than it is to sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and talk to my spouse).

Are you spending enough, quality and quantity, time with your spouse?  And how about with your kids?  Our kids may not divorce us, but we shouldn’t neglect them because of lack of obvious consequences.  There will be consequences.  More importantly, don’t we want the kind of rich, rewarding, joyful relationships God wants for us.

Here are some helpful practices (we don’t’ have to do them all, but do some that are helpful):

Weekly business meeting – Synchronize your calendars (this alone will prevent so many conflicts), plan events together (including/especially time together), have any critical conversations (ask, is there anything you’ve been thinking about that we haven’t had a chance to talk about?)

Date night or day – You can just try to do this randomly.  You may even value the spontaneity, and therefore fight for doing it randomly.  But, the key question is, is it happening that way?  If it’s not, then there’s no value in your random method.  With busy schedules the only things that get done are things that get scheduled.  Find a night you can set as date night.  It may be the same night every week (that’s how we do it), or you may set a night at each weeks business meeting.  Once it’s set, don’t break it without both of you agreeing to reschedule it.  You don’t have to go out and spend money.  You just need to be alone and focused on each other.  You can have a date in the back yard with a cup of coffee or tea.  You can go sit on a couch or bench at a fancy resort or mall and not spend a dime, but have great ambiance to sit and talk.  Go swing on swings at the park, lay on a blanket and look at the stars, go play a board game at a coffee shop, go for a swim together.  What did you do for dates before you were married?  

Fun time/Recreation time – Do something you both enjoy.  If you don’t have anything you both enjoy, take turns doing what the other person enjoys.  You need to have fun together.  And even if what you do for them isn’t fun for you, the sacrifice and attempt at enjoying yourself will be meaningful to them; it may end up being better for your relationship than if you did something together you both enjoy.

Pray together – It may sound trite, but it’s not.  If God is the most significant thing in your lives individually, then it can build intimacy to share that most important thing.  Along the same lines, talking about the sermon at church may be a way to share this important area of our lives.  Praying is also something that many people won’t just do with anybody, so it communicates intimacy.  We can express meaningful things with each other through prayer.  And don’t forget this benefit, prayer has affect.

Serve together – You may not have the same or even complementary gifts, so your main ministry may not be able to be together, but finding some way to serve together could bring your great shoulder-to-shoulder time doing something valuable.

Do something to serve them that puts you in each other’s presence – Give her a massage.  Give him sex that he didn’t have to ask for :-o.  Make a special meal to share.  Make their favorite treat drink and enjoy it together.  Help do one of their chores with them. 

Greetings and good-by’s – When you first get home, let your first move be to go hug and kiss your spouse.  If you’re the one home, drop whatever you are doing.  This communicates that your spouse is of more value than anything else.  It doesn’t have to be at home; whenever you come back together, go right to each other, even if friends or your kids are present (it’s good for them to see too).  When you leave each other, go hug, kiss, say “I love you” and “good-bye”.

Pillow talk – If you can at all make it work on some nights, go to bed at the same time.  That is one place that you don’t share with any others (except maybe young kids, but keep them out at this time).  Spending some time connecting there can bring great intimacy, even if it’s just a few minutes.  If you haven’t already done it that day, ask each other the low and high of your days.  Maybe do your praying together there.  We bought a book with beautiful places around the world, we’ll sit sometimes and read about a place together and look at the beautiful pictures.  What could you get and share in those few minutes together? 

Turn off the TV – Do I really need to say anything about this one?  It’s a time robber.  Any of these other good suggestions can be thwarted by the TV.  Unless you have a show you like to watch together, and then don’t just sit there, interact over the show; make some popcorn and share a bowl.

Spend time with your kids, together – We often have a divide-and-conquer mentality with our kids.  Not everything in life needs to be efficient.  Do some things together merely for the sake of time together.  Relationship is invaluable.  We have to believe that is more valuable than what we could have gotten done.

Today I preached about being persistent in prayers for people/things.  Here are the things I’m praying for us as a church family.  I share these because I want to ask you to join me in these prayers for the church. 

• We would truly love the Lord, and each of us would have intimacy with Him
• We would love one another
• We would worship God with our lives and observe His commands
• We would make disciples
• We would care for the lost and share Jesus with them
• We would be servants in all aspects of life
• We would be committed to meeting with each other for encouragement, the Word, and prayer
• We would be generous, taking joy in giving to others and the kingdom, as much as caring for ourselves
• We would depend on the Spirit, to defeat sin, serve, and generally live life
• We would live Eph. 5:22-33 marriages
• We would be forgiving people
• We would strive for unity and peace
• We would accept and appreciate on another’s diversity (personalities, race, gifts, etc.)

I’m reading a pretty good book right now called Crazy Love, by Francis Chan.  I don’t entirely share the author’s perspective on what the Bible is all about, but he makes some great points that are biblical.  Let some of the quotes challenge you.

Chan quotes John Piper, who writes, “The critical question for our generation – and for every generation – is this:  If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?” 

Chan follows that up with, “How many of you will read those word and say, “You know, I just might be okay with that”?  If you are deeply in love with God.., you know you could never be satisfied in heaven without Christ.”

The essence of heaven is being with Jesus Christ.  If that is not what we want out of heaven, we are probably not going there.

I think we should also consider Piper’s idea this way:  If you could have life, with good health, and with great friends, plenty of great food to enjoy, you could afford and have the time for all the leisure activities you enjoy, and could partake in any physical pleasures you like, and could have no conflicts or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with your life, if Christ were not in it? 

How much toward those goals are many Christians already living?

Chan says, “If you merely pretend that you enjoy God or Love Him, He knows.  You can’t fool Him; don’t even try.  Instead, tell Him how you feel.  Tell Him that He isn’t the most important thing in this life to you, and that you’re sorry for that.  Tell Him that you’ve been lukewarm, that you’ve chose _________ over Him time and again.  Tell Him that you want Him to change you, that you long to genuinely enjoy Him.  Tell Him how you want to experience true satisfaction and pleasure and joy in your relationship with Him.” 

I was just thinking about a couple of things we’ve studied recently in church (sermon on Ephesians and Home Fellowship study in Elijah) with relation to some recent experiences.  I’m so thankful that God has given us his word on which to base our life and decisions.  Otherwise, how would you make good, right, decisions?  Most make them based solely on the contemporary wisdom – books they read, what’s said on talk shows, the results of research studies, what their friends say.   

Ephesians 4:13-14 (NASB95)
“until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ.  As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming;”

Presumably mature Christians know God’s word well.  As a result we are not to be going back and forth and our course determined by the mere teachings (that’s what “doctrine” means) and philosophies of people.  I am so thankful that I have scripture on which to base my life, from parenting decisions to the way to lead the church.  Otherwise every new piece of contemporary wisdom would throw me in a new direction of make me doubt myself.  Now I must say, receiving counsel from others (spouse, friends, elders in my case, etc.) is helpful, essential, and biblical.  But, we have to consider their counsel against scripture, and ultimately land on our values and convictions based on comparison against scripture and in conversation with God.  Then we go with it, still allowing counsel to challenge our direction, but it doesn’t have to threaten our peace that relies upon knowing God’s roadmap. 

From Elijah’s experience with Jezebel in 1 Kings 19, I concluded, people are not always going to accept what you have done under the conviction of the Lord.  I experience this all the time.  I just keep doing what I feel led to do and know that there are going to be negative responses some times.  We can’t be trying to please people above God.  When challenges and negativity do come my way, usually in the form of disapproving people, it does affect me.  I generally am sad.  If someone has wronged me, I may be a little irritated with them.  But soon, I realize that it’s just part of the job/relationship/etc., and trust the Lord with helping me respond appropriately and moving forward, operating under my biblical and God lead (through prayer) convictions.

It feels like a much more sane and undistressed way to live. 

Thanks Lord for your word.  I pray that we would appreciate it enough to know it well.  Thanks that we can talk to You on how to apply your word and to fill in any blanks.

Last week I went on vacation to California with my wife and two sons. Angie and I have usually stayed in pretty cheap hotels, because we don’t spend much time in the hotel. So, I booked the cheapest hotel I could find that I thought wouldn’t be filthy. It wasn’t filthy, but I referred to it while we were there as the “roach motel”. I was thinking that it was a mistake now that we have kids to stay in such a hotel. We spent more time in the room because of naps and just general maintenance of kids (you parents know what I’m talking about), instead of the get in, sleep, get out that Angie and I use to do. The last day of the trip we asked our 3 year old what his favorite part of the trip was. We were expecting it would be a certain ride, or Mickey Mouse, or the beach, which we knew he had enjoyed tremendously. He said, “The hotel.” At first we thought he might be confused about the questions. But, as we talked to him about it, I think we figured out why he liked it so much. We were all in one little 10x15 room for at least 4-5 awake hours a day. We were wrestling, laughing, mixing up our sleeping together on the small beds, snuggling, and even eating some meals on our beds together. We concluded that the reason the hotel was his favorite part was because of our closeness all week. Now, Angie stays home, spends a lot of time with and has a lot of fun with the boys. I play with the boys almost every day, a little bit like I did in the hotel. But, something about our closeness of proximity in that little, not so nice hotel, made it a special experience for him.

I could probably come up with more lessons that this could teach. Maybe you’ll think of some of those. But, these are the first lessons that struck us.

1)      We don’t have a huge home, but it confirmed, what we’ve learned through other avenues, that we don’t need even what we have, to be happy as a family.

2)      The insatiable appetite of kids for the attention and affection of their parents. It’s more meaningful to them than great entertainment.

What might this mean for your perspective, for your lifestyle?

When we were on vacation a few weeks ago, and I was snorkeling, I picked up a conch shell in the ocean.  It’s a big shell with a big snail like critter that lives inside it.  People eat the critter, so I thought I give it a shot.  I brought the shell back into the beach, and my curious 3 year old, Joshua, wanted to know what I had.  I showed him the shell and told him there’s an animal curled up inside.  He was so excited and stared at it trying to get a glimpse of the animal.  I grabbed my son’s sand bucket, filled it with sea water, and put the shell inside.  A few minutes later Joshua was pouring the water out of the bucket, so I told him not to do that because we needed to keep the animal fresh until we can cook him and eat him.  Joshua said, very excited and curious, “We’re going to eat mine animal?”  I said, “Yes.”  When we got back to the condo, I began to boil the shell.  Joshua said, “Let’s eat mine animal.”  I said, “I have to cook him first.  So, I finished boiling it, pulled the critter out, cleaned it, and sautéed it in butter.  Joshua was right on the spot ready to eat it.  I gave him a bite, which he quickly swallowed.  I chewed on it for a few minutes and spit it out because it was like tasteless tire rubber. 

Joshua is always saying, “Remember when,” and then he tells us of some event he remembers, from an hour ago, a day ago, or even weeks ago.  The next day we were at the beach, and a lady walking her dog came along.  Angie is trying to teach Joshua to ask if he can pet a person’s dog, rather than just rushing up to them.  So, Angie says, “Joshua if you ask this lady, and her doggie is nice, maybe she’ll let you pet him.”  The lady heard what Angie said, started coming toward Joshua, and said, “He’s nice.  You can pet him.”  Joshua gets this excited, kind of scary look on his face, and says in a loud voice, “Me eat mine animal!”  The lady looks a little freaked out and steps back, thinking that Joshua might have been referring to a dog or even her dog with his animal comment.  We ensured the lady that his comment was some other event he was remembering and nothing to do with dogs.  After she left we were cracking up.  We all had context to kind of understand Joshua’s comment.  We think he was just remembering the conch from the day before at that moment, because we were on the same beach.  But, the lady’s context only related to her dog.

I tell that whole story, one, just because it was funny, but two, because it reminded me how important context is for proper understanding.  Joshua ripped a memory from the previous day’s events and inserted it in an inopportune moment.  People often do that with Bible verses.  They rip a verse out of its context and insert it into a conversation or apply it to a current situation, without regard for what the verse means - what the author meant for it to communicate in the context he wrote it in.  There is an old discourse that goes like this: “What are the first three rules of Bible interpretations?”  Pause for an answer or thought.  “Context, context, context.”  Just like when we speak or write, we have an intended meaning, the authors of the Bible had a certain intended meaning to everything they wrote.  It’s our job to try to discern what their meaning was, before we try to apply the truth to our lives.  The danger inserting a verse (quoting it) into a new context (our situation), if we have interpreted it wrong or more likely not tried to interpret it properly at all, is that we can give people wrong understandings of proper Christian belief, and we can reinforce those sometimes wrong beliefs in our own minds. 

So, do memorize and quote scripture.  But, make sure you study the verse in its context and determine its proper meaning before quoting it.  And actually, I have found that understanding is a superior method to just rote repetition, to aid memorization.

Last week I was listening to a worship song in my truck called Give Me Jesus.  As I was singing that song I had a thought that may seem simple, but it was profound for me in the moment.  In trying to live a Christian life on a daily basis I’m not sure I’m living in relationship with Christ himself right now.  God has invited us into a relationship, not just a lifestyle.  It’s a relationship that needs daily attentiveness to the person of Christ. 

This last weekend I attended Men’s Retreat.  The first morning the guys and I were studying Galatians 5 about walking by the Spirit.  It’s a natural question to ask, how exactly do I walk by/with the Spirit.  I made the point to the guys that we can’t reduce it to some simple formula.  First of all we’re not given a formula.  God has invited us into an ongoing relationship with Himself, and in this case He’s expressing it in relationship to the Spirit.  We are to walk with the Spirit of God.  And that relationship is not a simple formula.  It means us looking to the Spirit, depending on Him, relating to Him, trusting Him daily, even moment by moment, as we take each step through life.  That’s how we live the Christian life.  That's what I'm going to be looking to focus on in my life.

In Jeff’s sermon last Sunday he talked briefly about making decisions in a season that effect us negatively down the road.  He said, “Be careful,” about today’s decisions that seem to serve our needs at the moment. 

I think the context of the story in Ruth had a lot of financial implications.  One of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot, with our economy the way it is, is that I hope people will make better financial decisions going forward because of this season we’ve been through with the economy and the things we’ve seen happen to people.  We can’t depend on the economy, and we can’t even DEPEND on good financial decisions we make.  We need to depend on God for our provision.  But, we are given a bunch of financial counsel in the Bible, and we are encouraged to make wise decisions, prayerfully. 

One of the decisions most people make every month is to live on everything they make, and sometimes above what they make (going into debt).  This isn’t a sermon, so I’m not going to exegete scripture about this.  I just want to share some thoughts (that’s what a blog is for, right?) based on biblical wisdom and what financial planners would say that isn’t in contradiction with scripture. 

We should be living on less than we make.  One, if we are living on it all, there is nothing, or just little leftover scraps to contribute to the Lord’s work.  We are supposed to give Him the first and the best.  Do we really want to be giving him little leftovers?  Two, we should be saving.  This is not to skirt our dependence on the Lord, because even our savings can’t be our final security.  And God might end up asking us to use our savings for His causes.  We are supposed to have something available to help others who are struggling, which savings is perfect for.  Savings can  help us in our own times of struggle.  The biggest thing I’m thinking of is if we lose a job.    

If we lose our job, what could happen?  If we have little or no savings, what could we stand to loose?  What could be at stake?  This next question is where Jeff’s sermon struck me.  What kind of decisions are we likely to make in the midst of having no job and no savings?  I know so many people who took a job out of need, because they had little or no savings to tide them over while they looked for a job they really wanted, and they wake up 10, 20, 30 years later, still in that same job that they didn’t want to take, didn’t intend on staying in, and they wonder, “How did I end up here?” 

So, if you don’t already, start saving.  You may need it for you.  If not, maybe the Lord will ask you to use it for someone else, or for His kingdom.  Maybe both will happen as it becomes a new habit for you to save.  That has sure been my experience.