This entry is about marriage again, because our current series is about marriage and James’ preaching made me think of this.
You have scripts in your marriage. All of us do. What are “scripts”? When you are in a play you have a script. Each character's lines are written out for them to memorize and repeat on stage with dramatic intent. This sort of happens in marriage. We have issues that tend to come up regularly, and when they do each of us, husband and wife, say the same things every time about that same old issue, as if it’s a written script that we just repeat. And most of our scripts, like the stage, come out with drama (fights), except our drama is not pretend. If you don’t deal with these scripts they will keep coming up again and again, and often in the context of conflict. So, I want to help you deal with them.
1) Make a list of your scripts. Discussions that seem to come up repeatedly should go on the list. Some of the things on Angie’s and my scripts list include: who takes out the trash, whether or not I should bite my fingernails, should each person wash their own dishes, and being on time to things.
2) Keep it some place that you and your spouse are often together and have time to talk. Maybe you could keep it in the car.
3) Whenever you and your spouse are getting along real well get out your list of scripts. Now this may seems counter intuitive. You may think, “Why would I want to bring up issues that we conflict over when we are happy with each other? That seems crazy.” But, here is the logic. If you are happy with each other, maybe you can have a calm conversation and get one of those scripts dealt with, so that the next time you are unhappy with each other that script doesn’t rear its ugly head. If at any time during the conversation things start to get heated, halt the conversation and put the list away. Angie and I were coming back from a retreat last year, where we had enjoyed a great time together, and we got out the list of scripts (this is actually when we made the list too). We had about 8 scripts on the list. We dealt with like 5 of them and then started to get a little irritated, so we put the list away. But, we came up with solutions to those 5 and haven’t argued about them since. James said Sunday, “Tackle one problem at a time.” And I agree that if it is a serious issues, you should only tackle one at a sitting. For us they were all minor irritants, so we covered several.
4) Work on solutions that you can both agree to. Ask the person what is BEHIND the issue, things like what feelings are attached to it and what it communicates to them when you do whatever it is. Then agree on some actions that each of you can take that would satisfy you both, and GET CREATIVE. Coming home from the retreat Angie and I talked about taking out the trash. I found out that she values the trash not being overflowing, and to have a new bag put back in the can, but she doesn’t like walking to the trash. I don’t like her walking to the trash, because it is often night time. I had been taking the trash out regularly, but often forgetting to put a bag back in. So, we agreed that she would wrap up the trash whenever she felt it was getting too full, she would put a bag back in, and I would carry the trash out to the trash can. It may seem silly, but we got creative, and we don’t fight about it any more.
5) Do what you agreed to. And, if you said there was something you would let go, then let that go.
I would love to hear stories of success regarding this. May you give grace to each other and be at peace with one another.
Comments (0)