What's the most critical thing your marriage may be hurting for?

I heard a couple on the radio today, who are marriage researchers and Christian teachers on marriage, who I respect and have gained lots of insight from over the years.  They said time spent together may be one of the most important factors in a healthy marriage.  This has not been one of the top influencing factors on divorce, showing up in the research over the years.  Finances, sex, and communication are always the top three factors in marital conflict and divorce.  But, the old research possibly wasn’t asking the right questions to bring out this aspect of time spent together.  There is some new research out that suggest time spent together may be the most significant factor.  That being the case, they talked about how busy the lives are that we live and therefore how we have to constantly, consciously, fight for time with our spouse.  You can listen to the program here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?LatestDaily=1&Tab=Shows&subcategory=SuperbowlExtras.  The name of the program is Staying Connected in Life's Busyness, from April 6.

I didn’t get to listen to the whole program, but I was thinking about it, and realized how affected those other three things are by time spent together. 

If we don’t spend enough time together, we can’t communicate well (just like if we don’t spend time with God, we can’t communicate with Him, and that affects our relationship). 

If we aren’t spending significant time together, we won’t have the kind of connection that is going to lend itself to intimacy and a strong sex life.  We shouldn’t just think because we’re married sex is an automatic.  Anybody married for some time should know better.  God has programmed us so that sex, especially for women, requires relationship investment.  I think God may have given us sex, as a drive and a joy, to help push us toward relationship – it’s an obvious payoff that makes it worth our investment. 

It may be a little harder to see the connection between time spent together and financial harmony, but I think the connection is there.  If you aren’t spending enough time together, your values will start to differ.  We spend money on what we value.  So if our values part ways, the way we think money should be spent will begin to part ways, and we will start having conflict over it.  If we’re placing too high of an importance on money, we may spend more time working, and that will affect the time available for each other.  By spending time together, we may spend more money on some categories, like entertainment and eating out.  But, one, that’s not necessary; we can hang out, talk, and even have fun, without going out and spending money.  And, two, even if we do spend money on being together, it’s more worth it than a lot of things we spend money on, and will probably be mutually agreeable to both spouses.  Also, we may spend less money on some other categories.  I know when I seek entertainment and diversion apart from my family, I tend to spend more money than I do when I’m with my family (It’s more expensive to play golf than to go swimming with my wife and kids.  It’s more expensive to go clothes shopping than it is to sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and talk to my spouse).

Are you spending enough, quality and quantity, time with your spouse?  And how about with your kids?  Our kids may not divorce us, but we shouldn’t neglect them because of lack of obvious consequences.  There will be consequences.  More importantly, don’t we want the kind of rich, rewarding, joyful relationships God wants for us.

 

Here are some helpful practices (we don’t’ have to do them all, but do some that are helpful):

Weekly business meeting – Synchronize your calendars (this alone will prevent so many conflicts), plan events together (including/especially time together), have any critical conversations (ask, is there anything you’ve been thinking about that we haven’t had a chance to talk about?)

Date night or day – You can just try to do this randomly.  You may even value the spontaneity, and therefore fight for doing it randomly.  But, the key question is, is it happening that way?  If it’s not, then there’s no value in your random method.  With busy schedules the only things that get done are things that get scheduled.  Find a night you can set as date night.  It may be the same night every week (that’s how we do it), or you may set a night at each weeks business meeting.  Once it’s set, don’t break it without both of you agreeing to reschedule it.  You don’t have to go out and spend money.  You just need to be alone and focused on each other.  You can have a date in the back yard with a cup of coffee or tea.  You can go sit on a couch or bench at a fancy resort or mall and not spend a dime, but have great ambiance to sit and talk.  Go swing on swings at the park, lay on a blanket and look at the stars, go play a board game at a coffee shop, go for a swim together.  What did you do for dates before you were married?  

Fun time/Recreation time – Do something you both enjoy.  If you don’t have anything you both enjoy, take turns doing what the other person enjoys.  You need to have fun together.  And even if what you do for them isn’t fun for you, the sacrifice and attempt at enjoying yourself will be meaningful to them; it may end up being better for your relationship than if you did something together you both enjoy.

Pray together – It may sound trite, but it’s not.  If God is the most significant thing in your lives individually, then it can build intimacy to share that most important thing.  Along the same lines, talking about the sermon at church may be a way to share this important area of our lives.  Praying is also something that many people won’t just do with anybody, so it communicates intimacy.  We can express meaningful things with each other through prayer.  And don’t forget this benefit, prayer has affect.

Serve together – You may not have the same or even complementary gifts, so your main ministry may not be able to be together, but finding some way to serve together could bring your great shoulder-to-shoulder time doing something valuable.

Do something to serve them that puts you in each other’s presence – Give her a massage.  Give him sex that he didn’t have to ask for :-o.  Make a special meal to share.  Make their favorite treat drink and enjoy it together.  Help do one of their chores with them. 

Greetings and good-by’s – When you first get home, let your first move be to go hug and kiss your spouse.  If you’re the one home, drop whatever you are doing.  This communicates that your spouse is of more value than anything else.  It doesn’t have to be at home; whenever you come back together, go right to each other, even if friends or your kids are present (it’s good for them to see too).  When you leave each other, go hug, kiss, say “I love you” and “good-bye”.

Pillow talk – If you can at all make it work on some nights, go to bed at the same time.  That is one place that you don’t share with any others (except maybe young kids, but keep them out at this time).  Spending some time connecting there can bring great intimacy, even if it’s just a few minutes.  If you haven’t already done it that day, ask each other the low and high of your days.  Maybe do your praying together there.  We bought a book with beautiful places around the world, we’ll sit sometimes and read about a place together and look at the beautiful pictures.  What could you get and share in those few minutes together? 

Turn off the TV – Do I really need to say anything about this one?  It’s a time robber.  Any of these other good suggestions can be thwarted by the TV.  Unless you have a show you like to watch together, and then don’t just sit there, interact over the show; make some popcorn and share a bowl.

Spend time with your kids, together – We often have a divide-and-conquer mentality with our kids.  Not everything in life needs to be efficient.  Do some things together merely for the sake of time together.  Relationship is invaluable.  We have to believe that is more valuable than what we could have gotten done.