Born Again Nag

By Angie Sanich

Have you ever been driving along and looked over at the car next to you and witnessed a couple riding together, the man both hands on the wheel at 10 & 2, looking straight forward, not seeing a word mouthed from his lips and the woman sitting next to him just going to town on whatever she is talking about and it appears that she could just be nagging, nagging, nagging, maybe not…but that is what I think about when I see those scenarios.  I vowed to myself that I never wanted to be “that wife, the nag”.  How sad it is for those men to just have to listen or at least pretend to be listening to a wife just going on and on about complaints, how bad her day had been, what he didn’t get done for her, or how they just can’t afford anything.  Do we as wives think that does anything to strengthen or grow our marriages?  Well, you may not be a “nag” but there may be ways in how you communicate with your husband that show disrespect to him. 

Christian and I have been married 11 years and a few years ago we attended a Love & Respect conference here in the valley.  This was a big turning point in our marriage when I learned about respect and I worked on changing my behavior. 

What does it mean to Love and Respect?  Dr. Emerson Eggerich, author of Love and Respect says, “We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.”  I asked myself, do I respect Christian and I naturally answered yes, but according to him I didn’t.  Well, he was right.  It isn’t to just think well or highly of someone, but for us it meant that Christian would feel respected by me when I acknowledged his ideas and input.  I didn’t always have to agree, but I showed respect by acknowledging his suggestions. I am not sure why I used to do this, but I acted like I had to go to battle with him for my ideas to be heard. I have learned that when I calmly share my thoughts, this shows respect and gets me a lot farther, because he wanted to hear my thoughts. I don’t overreact like I used to, I take a deep breath before I respond and then say what I feel if it still seems relevant and not just my emotions coming out.  We have really enjoyed the last few years of growing in this area of communication in our marriage.

As I drive down the road these days, it isn’t always Christian that is hearing my words but my two little boys that are learning how to love and respect one another as I hope to model and not be that nagging mother or wife.