Pastor Christian's Blog

I had my premarital/postnuptial class last night. I was teaching on communication. One of the couples there found some of the information particularly helpful, so I thought I would post it.

Guys, be aware that when your wife hurts your feelings that you get mad. Most guys don't cry when they get hurt, they get mad. That is true of emotional hurts. How does this help? If you stick this information in your hard drive, next time you get angry at your wife, ask yourself, "Did she hurt my feelings somehow? Did she attack my character or say something that felt like disrespect (those are common things that hurt us)?" If she did... here comes the hard part guys... calm down and tell her, "You hurt me when you said (whatever it was)" Wives, when he does this be ready; your response is critical. If you shut him down he may never take that risk again. You need to listen, possibly appologize, and when you resolve it, touch him. Give him a hug, a kiss, rub his shoulders, something, or all of these things. That will wipe away any remaining anxiety that may have a tendency to flair back up.

Another tid-bit the couple thought was very helpful: We don't say "I'm sorry" in our house. It's too easy to mean, "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'm sorry you took it that way", "I'm sorry you're such a jerk". Those aren't apologies at all. Instead, in our house we say, "I apologize for (whatever). Will you forgive me?" Both parts are crucial. Apologizing is very healing. Also, to apologize requires humility, which I'm sure Christ will appreciate in you. Also, just because you apologize doesn't mean you loose. It doesn't even mean the discussion is over. You can apologize for what you did/said wrong, and still have more to discuss. The other person may even need to apologize for their part, which is often the case by the time something becomes a "fight". The second part, "Will you forgive me?", is also important. It requires a response, so you know where you stand, unlike saying "I'm sorry".